December 8, 2019
Today is the 6-year anniversary of my dad’s death. I love
and miss my father very, very much. He was so kind and loving, and I’m
immensely grateful I was given a father like him.
My mom and him divorced when I was just one year old. I have
no memories of their marriage. In fact, I have no memories of living in the
same home as my dad as a child. My mom got married to my stepdad, and they had
more children together. I remember calling my stepdad, “Daddy”, like my younger
siblings did, and being confused and sort of lost when he responded, “I’m not
your dad. Don’t call me Daddy, call me by my name.”
He didn't say that to be mean, he just knew that my real dad loved me, and he didn't want me to be confused. But I was really little, so I was super confused.
My dad was in my life, but not a lot. I would see him every
other weekend until we moved out of the state, then I went through most of
elementary and middle school without seeing him at all.
I lived with my dad on and off again as a teenager, which is
really when we got to know each other, but we didn’t actually grow close until
I was an adult.
As an adult, it wasn’t too late for him to help shape me
into the woman I am today. He was so kind and loving, philosophical, and loved
to have long discussions about the meaning of life. I cherished our long talks,
and how he gave advice. He gave amazing advice. Of course, I didn’t listen to most of his advice even
though I should have.
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| Me and My Dad About a Year Before His Death in 2013 |
I held no bitterness or ill feelings towards my dad for the
time in childhood we didn’t get to see each other much. I knew he had regrets
about life, deep regrets, which he shared with me, and that he always yearned to see his children more than he was able to.
I always thought of my dad fondly, especially after his
death. To this day, I miss him terribly. I talk about him and his jolly spirit,
every day, to my three sons, who feel close to him as well, just because his spirit
is so much a part of our daily lives.
How does this have anything to do with the topic of toxic
relationships you might ask?
Every relationship has its ups and downs. That is true for
toxic relationships as well. They do have good times, and fond memories. One of
the things that I came to realize, as I was healing from the ending of my
second toxic relationship, is that my former partner reminded me so much of my
father. The good things about him. Not the bad. My father was so jolly, jovial, and
sometimes even childlike. His sense of humor, generosity, hospitality and warm affection.
My former partner, when he was in a good state, was so much
like this. He made me think of my father constantly when he was projecting this
fun-loving side of his personality. Now for those of us who have experienced a
toxic relationship, we know this is only one side of the coin. The other side
is very dark, confusing, hurtful, blaming and shaming. This side of my former
partner was nothing like my father.
As I was trying to move on from this relationship, I was in
a painful and vulnerable state. It was very hard for me to let go. I wondered,
why can I not move on? Our relationship was so damaging, and literally dragged
me down into depths of darkness I would never want to revisit. Why am I still
clinging onto these good memories, even though the bad memories are reason
enough to never go back?
I thankfully found the way in which to heal myself. By using
techniques such as the Interactive Healing Meditations in my 6-week How to
Thrive After a Toxic Relationship healing program, I was able to understand
what was inside of me that was causing this yearning to go back to my former
partner.
By going within, deep into my psyche, finding the traumas
long forgotten and stuffed inside, I found that I was holding onto this
connection to my former partner because as a child, I did not have my father. My
father lived in another state, and I didn’t get to see him regularly, or even
really know him, until I was in high school. There had been a hole inside of
me, a longing for this father who alluded my child self.
My former partner represented this figure in my subconscious.
He represented a father, a man to take care of me, to love me and nurture the
little girl inside. This was especially so, because of how his positive traits
resembled my own father’s positive traits.
This need to be parented, to be fathered, to be loved… was a
need inside of me I had to fill myself, to truly be complete, full and
self-partnered. I needed to parent myself. I simply couldn’t expect another to
fill this hole inside of me.
Simply by being aware of this yearning inside of me, and the
reasons for it, helped me to heal that and nurture myself in ways that filled
my own cup. And I grew so much closer to the spirit of my actual father, when I
was able to forgive him and let go of the loss I felt as a child for him not
being there. These were feelings I didn’t even know were there inside of me,
until I forced myself to look within and face my own shadow.
I had to truly look at the reasons inside myself that I
would want and desire to be with a partner who ripped my whole world apart, and
blamed it all on me. I didn’t want to be sick and needy and codependent
anymore. I wanted to be the person I knew I could be, the person I had always
thought I would be as a grown up. I didn’t want to be a wounded child anymore.
We have access to the tools to transform our lives. It’s about
awareness and remembering to tap into these tools. If you resonate with any of
this, please know I have been there. Many, many people have experienced these
feelings and know what you’re going through.
My 6-week healing program delves deep into the psyche, and
unveils layers of programming for transmutation. If you feel as awful as I did,
as hopeless, as rock bottom, please check out my resources today at www.thrivingwithrachel.com.
And to my dad… it’s been six years since you passed… we miss
you so… see you on the other side…
Please, love and Namaste. Have a thriving day.
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